http://www.blogtalkradio.com/being-with-ron-ash/2010/10/05/being-with-ron-ash

The article below I wrote to encourage those who have suffered loss. I like to say that I don't know everything, but what I know I am sure of. Mitch

From Grief to Recovery

Since we are here to share about recovery, I want to relate that recovery is not a dirty word. The dictionary definition that I want to share is: to regain strength, composure or balance, to regain in usable form; reclaim. That is what you want isn't it? I personally have experienced loss of health, miscarriage, divorce, losing custody of children, walking away from abusive parents, and separation from loved ones, besides death of friends and relatives. Lastly, the greatest loss to recover from is a nervous breakdown and the resulting altered reality, so if I survived, you too have hope. After loss it seems even more important to feel like we are in control and grieving does not feel like a part of that picture, does it? Your feelings may be intensified by expectations that you should be able to get through this quickly, or feeling depressed about being depressed makes you feel less worthy. Recovery is real, it happens, and it can take time, how much time depends on how you chose to approach it. First be patient with yourself, second ask yourself meaningful questions, and then be selective in who you share with and why.

There are several things to keep in mind on your recovery or healing journey. What you are going through is unique to you, even if someone else has gone through similar. It is OK to be in an unknown zone. Your history and how you process your emotions are unique to you, thus how you filter this grief is also. Nobody has the right to tell you how long you can grieve, including yourself. If you limit yourself or place expectations on where you "should" be you are limiting self awareness. It is very likely that up to now your inner strength has not been tested or proved to you by prior life experience. The key is to begin to understand your feelings. I like to call this process query. To query is to honestly question.

I am going to ask you to temporarily set aside what you have learned about your thoughts in relation to others. When you notice a thought cross your mind, let judgments go. This is really not about religious or social beliefs; it is about YOUR feelings. Thoughts are a result of feelings as much as feelings are a result of thoughts. I ask you to remember that we feel feelings and thing thoughts, we do not think feelings. Thoughts can and do exacerbate issues that already exist, however I am simply asking you to stop and say to yourself "Why do I think that? Why do I feel that? When did that belief start? Is that true? What can I learn from that? When you learn to query you are on your way.

Now think about creating new boundaries with those around you, this may sound like defeating behavior, it's not. There will be those around you that set expectations for you, your time, or tell you "what you need to do" and these people need to be distanced. Others will encourage you to talk about how "unfair" this is, get even further from these people. Remember some people are addicted to drama and will suck it up as long as you provide it. Again healing is a Choice and it is yours to make. You have the right to allow or refuse anyone information.

The people you chose to be around might be someone who just listens if they don't know how you feel, people that ask you to refocus on what IS important(your true feelings), and those who have experienced loss and provide suggestions based on what worked for them. In my times of grief people told me not to dwell on the loss and that upset me, and I'll share this, if a dwelling is where you live, do you wish to live in this grief? The only way the past helps you is when you are willing to ask yourself how it applies to the current issue. Don't misunderstand your feelings ARE TRUE AND VALID. It is the feelings that you need to resolve, not the "facts". The truth is subjective, not objective; it depends on your perspective. It is not so much what happens to us, but how we react and what we learn from it.

Where are you in your process? Don't worry, you don't have to have that answer right now, just begin to reflect on your inner self. One way to begin sifting through all your feelings or what feels like a lack there of, is to find a neutral space with paper and a writing utensil. Write down everything that comes to your mind without putting judgment on its merit or importance. Believe me if it comes to your mind with ease, it IS important. Keep writing until it becomes difficult to "think" of things to write. Your best answers come when you are out of your mind. As long as there is a free flow of ideas and feelings by all means, write. When tears come during this process be thankful, praise God that you can be present and in touch. If you know there are things there and you feel so numb that you cannot even begin to find the words, be patient with yourself, why add to your overwhelm? Pause and take deep breaths, tap on your collar bone, count to 10 slowly, say a prayer and unload your mind and heart to the God of your understanding. Give him an opportunity to "touch" you. If you, like many question the value of faith, try to allow the possibility that you misunderstood, that maybe it has less to do about God, and more to do with how information was processed in your youth. We all have a hurt child within us.

What you want is clarity even though you may not know it. With clarity comes self awareness and peace; that my friend IS where your loss becomes OPPORTUNITY. What opportunity? Your are seeing what strength you have and you will being to know yourself in ways you never even contemplated. What a concept huh? It was difficult for me to see that as having any value in grief recovery, but you know, it is. Since I have personally experienced loss in many ways I can understand doubt when it comes to see loss as opportunity. What if you decided that you could turn the idea of grief upside down?

Grief can also be described as LOSS, broken down: Lose or Sacrifice Self. When we deal with loss we indeed feel we have lost ourselves: Who am I now? Where do I belong? Where do I go now? What am I supposed to do? Will I ever be the same again? How can I go on? I can tell you that even though who you were or thought you were, that is changed; YOU can make it a change for the better. Mourn your loss; it would be inhumane to do otherwise. Give yourself credit for being able to recognize this as a loss. Whomever or whatever you lost is given value when you stop and see how this experience can make YOU better. If loss makes you bitter are you showing honor for the loss? Where does the sacrifice self come from. If you choose to stay in a negative mind set you really are sacrificing yourself. Sometimes people realize after they are grieving that they had been already sacrificing themself BEFORE suffering the current loss, and may have previously lost them self. Fortunately or unfortunately you now have a challenge to make decisions based on your situation. I have noticed that tragedy either brings families together or forces the need to change relationships, whatever is true for you, you will be able to survive and even thrive as you employ honest inquiry.

Another part of the process of creating meaning in your loss is to reach out, as I am, to help another to gain peace. You may not be ready for that for a while, but you can and often will feel lighter as you share your discovery with others. I talk to others about what their loss means, what earlier experience the current loss is related to and challenge them to seek a new perspective. I always make it clear that each person has feelings and their feelings are true and valid and always have been. I provide a hearing ear, a shoulder to cry on and a hug when needed. My secret in giving a hug is to add a silent "e", h-u-g-e.

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